Believe

Everyone have their own beliefs. Be it about religion, after-life, future or anything. Some believe there is God and others choose to be free thinker. Some believe in UFO, aliens, creatures in other planets or ghost. Some believe in modern medicine and others in traditional medicine. Some believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Some believe that in not taking anything too personally. Some believe that.... Everyone have their rights to believe in whatever that they want. It may be scientifically explained or it may not. It may be logical or not. It may not convience others to believe in the same way. Whatever it is, it is up to that person. So, respect other people's believe. Don't make fun of it, don't try to condemn it. If we cant make sense out of what other people believe, then just let it be. Don't try to convience them otherwise. The beliefs are something that people hold onto. Something to keep them going. Having said that, there is exceptional for everything. If one believe that ending their life or giving up hope is the best for them, of course you will not respect and let them do it. This is when you do have to convience them that there is a bright side of life. Their mind will be clouded by negative thoughts, that their believe is a danger to them. Sometimes is kinda hard to hold onto our own beliefs especially when things are going in the opposite direction. But do not let go of it. It is better to have something to grab hole off rather than nothing.

Heart vs. Mind

Heart vs mind. Do you listen to your heart or your mind more? Which one do you based on when you make a decision?

Our mind always tell us what should be done and what should be avoided. It weights the pros and cons (like a yellow legal pad =P) and based our decision on which has the better consequences. A person who listen to their mind more will act in a more proper manner. One will avoid (if possible) any actions that will cause problems. One will act in a way that will often leads to better outcomes, be it in the near future or far ahead.

Listening to your heart often leads to doing something that you feel like doing. It might not be appropriate but that is what you feel like doing. And hence, you just go ahead, doing it without worrying too much about the consequences. It is following your natural instinct.

There is often many situations where your heart tells you to do one thing but your mind tells the opposite. We will often be in a dilemma on whether to follow our mind or our heart. Our mind is usually right, keeping us out of trouble. But our heart is what we want, is something that we enjoy doing and willing to sacrifice for. So which one do you choose to follow? What we want isn't exactly the best for us. We might be enjoying it now but it won't last. It sometimes could turn out worst.

Alcohol is the best example. People are willing to spend heaps of money on it, enjoying the effects, enabling one to forgot about all the problems in life. Despite knowing the consequences that alcohol has on human health, people are still not bothered by it.

And sometimes we know we shouldn't and that's exactly why we do it. Humans are just complicating.

Sometimes I get so frustrated as not to know which one to follow. My mind or my heart. I have made mistakes by just following my heart, mistakes that my mind would have stopped me. I also have allowed my mind that over shadowed my heart. I do it because it is supposed to be done and not based on what I want.

It is kinda hard to pin point it out clearly but I guess it depends a lot on the situation you are in. Sometimes you follow your heart and others your mind. Nevertheless, sometimes you gotta balance both, what you want and what you should.

I'm back

Yohoo. I am back. Taking almost a month break from blogging. To concentrate on my studies and exams (yeah right? =P). Nothing is being changed. Everything still look the same. More and more people are making their blog private. They have their own reasonings. A lot of thoughts and opinions are not being expressed as they afraid they might step over the line. There are many unforseen consequences that could arise from blogging. It doesn't provide total freedom in writing. It isn't a private diary. Yes, one owns the blog and he/she can write anything one wants. Nonetheless, there is always a limit for everything. So yeah I am back. I will continue blogging when I am in the mood. Sharing some moments, expressing some thoughts. But none for now. One more week of exam to go!!

Mood swings

Mood swings. Everyone has their own mood swings, due to different reasons, at different place, on different timing. I do realize that my mood swings are quite fast and high. One thing for sure, it is not a PMS syndrome. More like a seasonal thingy as I do not experience it on a monthly basis =P. It is more prevalence when I am not well and exam time. I am able to acknowledge and I do have to do something about it. I am learning. I am learning to handle it better, to not let things affecting me easily. Ignorance is bliss right? That is something I find very hard to learn. I do admire people who are able to careless about things, nothing gets in their way and just be happy. Which individual in this world who doesn't want to be happy right? I guess, for me I feel that if you can be ignorant about something, it means that you don't really care about it. I suppose that is why I take a lot of things seriously. I know do not make other people's problem your problem. I guess it wouldn't bother you too much but just try to help much as possible. Everyone needs a helping hand every now and then. I guess I was kinda upset for being punished for not being ignorant. Is not like I have done something bad, nothing really except for showimg my 'black, moody' face quite frequently nowadays =P. I felt like the good things that I have done is of no use. It sort of making me lose hope on the good things. That was my lowest moment. But I guess, everytime you fall, at some point you cant go any lower. You just gotta climb back up again. You gotta be strong at this stage to overcome any obstacles and get back to the top again. I was so pissed off one night and lots of thoughts were running in my head. I got very tired and is driving me nuts until I got to a point that I just let everything go. Knowing myself, I might not have learn everything from it. Everyone knows it not easy to change oneself. Instead of changing, I guess is better to learn to adjust to it first. What a friend once told me is very true. Knowing the kind of person I am, if I force myself not to care, I wont feel any better. I might just start to feel guilty then. Haha. I know I am complicating. So neither way is a solution. I just gotta live with it. Just do what my heart feels like doing, what makes me happy and most importantly having no regrets about it after.

Words speak louder than actions

Ironic isn't it that many people usually speak louder than their actions. But I guess this is what a normal human being usually does. They could show so much concerns by asking and asking, pastering other people but at the end of the day, no one actually wants to take up the responsibility. No one wants to stand up and take action. No one wants to be the leader and lead everyone. Everyone just pushes the responsibility around until someone, the one who has the highest obligation has to take up the responsibility. I reckon people usually doesn't care as much as they sound. All that is being done is just caring a little and then walk away. For certain people I guess that is the very much they'll do. Or I guess the relationship is not that close as they claim to be? Is it just me or this is just the way it how it suppose to be? Wouldn't it be unfair that people just wanna have fun but not wanting to do the work? I guess it comes down to some people just dont care as much. If that is the case, then dont speak as loud. If you want to speak then act on it. Haha. I am just confusing people and playing with words again. I just say what I wanna say.

Why

Why

is it so difficult for me

to understand

to accept

.

Why

despite so many incidences

and obviousness

I still don't get it

.

Why

am I stubborn

and refuse to acknowledge

.

Why

don't I learn

and listen to advice

.

Why

do I keep doing this

to myself

and to others

.

Why

.

Because I care??

Thoughtfulness

I guess by spraining my foot and not being able to move freely, does allow myself to observe the surroundings and reflect on everything. It allows me to swallow myself in my own thoughts. I dunno; it is good or it is bad? Some people are just more thoughtful than others. Like a friend said the people that you are thoughtful to might not be as thoughtful back to you. Instead, they might be more thoughtful towards others. It is just an incomplete cycle. Sometimes, what goes around, doesn't come around. So, does that mean that people who are not as thoughtful are not as close as you thought they are? Does that mean that you should be less thoughtful to others? Or... I know that you should not have high expectations on others. You should not expect others to treat you the way you want it. You shouldn't get upset if things aren't progressing in the manner you would like them to be. So, does that mean you should be less thoughtful? What if the thoughtfulness does come naturally, so does that mean you should change yourself so that you get what you give? I reckon many people would say that it just didn't cross their mind. If you don't say it out, how do you expect others to know what you need? I guess that is true. But sometimes, it doesn't feel right if it is not being done, for me at least. Then one would argue what is right and what is wrong? So, how thoughtful should you be? p/s: does not mean to hurt anyone or blame anyone. it just agitated me to think about it

Birthday Celebration - Part 2

I guess I didn't learn my numbers well. Anyway my 2nd celebration was fully organized by Amy. What would have been a celebration if was not for her. She invited the people, choosed the place, booked a table and pre-ordered the dishes. Planned for an outing after but because I didn't feel like going, the plan had to be changed. Felt bad because I did't even help in planning But thanks a lot Amy.

Anyway as the food was pre-ordered, it was served immediately after everyone has arrived. There were 13 of us with 11 dishes. Everyone was just attacking the food. The table wasn't at peace even for a second. Within half and hour, everything was cleared. It was kinda hilarious.

Then everyone head back to my place just to hang around to not end the night so soon. Just playing darts, card games and drinking games. Thanks everyone for coming, the dinner and the present. Finally I got them after patiently waited for almost a month. Hehe. It was an elegent set of candles which I choosed myself. (wanted to post some picture of it but due to my disability now, I guess I gotta postpone it, haih)

Birthday Celebration - Part 3

Opss i feel like jumping to the 3rd part first before coming back to the 2nd part of my 'wonderful' birthday celebrations. Well, the 3rd celebration started with me giving my own self a 'cool' birthday pressie. Sprained my foot and on crutches a day before my birthday, how wonderful is that. 'Thanking' myself very much for it. And because of me, the plan for the night's co-joint dinner celebration had to change. Not that it had much planning in the first place. So, instead of going out, everyone came by. Thanks for the food and cake. All I could do was just sitting there, watching people walking around, waiting for the food to come to me and not being able to go to it. Some people were so considerate that they started eating while preparing the food. I could see it through the wall peeps. Hehe. Is not that I wanna spoil any mood, is my birthday after all. But I can't stop but feeling sad when all that was written on my 'card' was about the incidence, getting well, being more careful and a toy to play. I know that was what happen but I don't need a whole card to remind me about it. It was already sad and pathetic enough. Imagine in years time when I looked back at it, all I will read about it just about my fall. Everyone is just making it sounds funny when I seriously dont think it is at all. Nothing else is being said. What a birthday card, sounds more like a get well soon card. I am not hinting for another card or anything but sometimes is the thought of it. I know I am being too sensitive now and I know all of you care, but I am just stating how I feel. Small little things can make me happy but nonethess can make me sad as well. A lot of little things that might not be significant to others but it is to me. I guess this celebration was just the sum of everything.

Birthday celebration - Part 1

Yohoo it is the time of the year again. Time to celebrate my birthday. Although I wasn't feeling enthu about it, thanks to my friends that made the celebration happen. And the celebration actually lasted about a week (so much for not wanting to celebrate). Hoho. The celebration started on Thursday, 11 Oct when Sailo, my housemate decided to cook for Huey Wen and me a birthday dinner since our birthdays are only 2 days apart. And we got a Japanese dinner, prawn and salmon sushi, katsudon and miso soup. Thanks for the dinner and the trouble of getting the Japanese ingredients just for that dinner (figure out what to do next with the extra sauces??) It was fun laughing at each other for the 'funny' expressions after eaten wasabi. I thought that was it for the night. A dinner, that's all I expected. But few hours later, she surprised us with I would say one of the best birthday present ever. A whole backyard filled with 22 handmade lanterns lighted up with candles.

Some of the lanterns made especially for us.

The lanterns on the clothes hanger and the creator.

These are all the lanterns made secretly without our knowledge. Going through all the trouble of hiding it from us (not easy as we always go into her room) and staying up late to complete it. Gotta make sure both of us are asleep before finishing it in peace =P. And the sneaking to the backyard to hang it up when my room is facing the backyard. It was a tough project.

I was so stunt when I first saw it, speechless. It was simply amazing. Too bad it looked like it was going to rain, if not could have just sit and enjoy the view of it. I was very touched and still am by the effort she put in to give us the surprise despite having tonnes of work to do. I really appreciate it. Thanks a lot. I dont know what else to say. You are simply wonderful, Sailo.

p/s: Felt bad after for disturbing her the night before causing her to sleep late and all the unexpected knocking on the door. Hehe.

It

I promised myself that I'll never do it anymore But yet again I failed myself I just couldn't stand it I just couldn't hold it back any longer I just had to do it But as expected There wasnt any use of it It just got better for a while And returned to normal not long after So I kept telling myself Why do I do it Why do I keep on doing it Don't do it again Is not supposed to be that way But it will never go away Depending on the circumstances Depending on how I handle it It will always be it

Finally

Finally I am done

Done with it, that is for this year

Yet there is more awaiting next year

But that is not for now to worry.

-

After months of suffering

weeks of torturing

days of lifeless

finally it is over.

-

A 40 pages of written words

a 10 minutes of presentation

it was indeed an experience.

-

But if I were given the chance to decide again

I am not sure if I will make the same decision

a lot had happen

a lot of things that I am not proud off

it forced the evil side of me

a side that no one had seen it before including myself.

-

Nonetheless

I am not giving up on it now

learnt a lot from it

and more to come

be it good and bad

most importantly not to regret it

and that is the life I wanna live in.

Update (sort off)

Been quite busy for the past month but is not getting any better this coming month and the next. Just done with my honours research proposal, up coming are the presentation, assignments and finally EXAMs Just for an update, I went to Cairns for 9 days for rural placement and holiday. It was awesome. As I am too lazy to write about it now, refer to Amy's blog. Hehe. I will update it once I have the time, which is most probably after the exam (opss, hehe). We also celebrated mid autumn festival. Thanks to the organizer, Pey Weon. It was a success although we didnt end up eating mooncake that night. Haha. I guess it is a trend, the more studying you gotta do, the more excuses you will find to procrastinate. I might blog more once exam session comes. Haha

Random facts

Got this idea of writing about some of my daily habits while I was brushing my teeth (there's a link to it). Some habits might be well-known and some others not so. It can actually be catogerized. Haha. Okie so here goes the list: In the kitchen 1. I don't have much patience when it comes to cooking. I like quick and fast meals. That's why you can see me opening to the highest temperature of the hotplate (no stove here =( ). For me, there is not much different in cooking a dish quickly with the highest possible temperature or using lower temperature and taking longer time. So the faster the better. 2. Instant noodle. My instant noodle is instant but not all-plain and dull type. I usually add extra ingredients, meat or veges or egg. This is more interesting and a more balance meal (trying to conviencing myself that is healthier this way =P). 3. Baking. Don't know what has gotten into me this semester but I have been baking something almost every week since the beginning of this sem. Let's see what I have made: strawberry cheesecake, portugese egg tarts, blueberry cheesecake, glutinous rice cake, kuih seri muka, banana cake, egg tart and more to come. Not all were successful though but at least I gave it a try. 4. Spicy food. This is my well-known area. Like to cook spicy food and eat them too. No one will ask my opinion about the spiceness of a food because my level of hot is REALLY HOT. Appologies to my housemates as they are always the victim if I cook spicy food. Hee In the bathroom 5. I gotta bath to start my day and also to start my night. If I have not taken a shower, I dont really feel like sitting down and start doing my work. Need to feel all clean first before doing my work. Or more like an excuse to procrastinate a little after dinner. Hehe 6. I am a toothpaste eater. Not literally. I used the most tooth paste in the house. A tube of ~175g can last me for about one and half month. Don't know why. In my room 7. Music. I will usually blast music when I am stress and sing-a-long with the lyrics. Not that I feel much better after singing but just feel like doing it. So when I am blasting my music, there is a reason behind it. 8. Earrings. I have a whole collection of earrings but I reckon there will be others out there who have more. When I was on the winter trip to Korea, guess what I bought the most?? Earrings!! I bought 12 pairs, half for myself and the others as souveniors. And I also finally bought an earring holder that I have wanted for quite long. Not really a surprise I guess, as I received a few pairs of earrings for my birthday last year =P. 9. Bags. Just a coincident that 3 out of 4 of my bags are brown in colour. Is not that I like brown colour in particular, just that all the bags that I like happen to be brown or brown looks the best for that style. 10. Socks. Lucky to study in Queensland as wearing thongs is VERY common here. I just where thongs everywhere I go except for pracs. And I always shop for thongs. Another reason is that I dislike wearing shoes as I gotta wash the socks after. Yeah although all I need to do is just dump it in the washing machine but still... This is all I can think off right now. So, anyone has any other facts about me to add, just feel free. I might not realize that is a habit of me until someone pointed it out. Haha

No Worries

As we get older, we become more independent. We do not rely on our parents much. We handle everything ourselves. And, hence it will come to a stage that we tell them less as well. We tend not to tell them every details as we do not want them to worry. In certain aspects, they cannot help and by telling them all the problems will just make them worry more, especially when we are far away from home. I remembered complaining about my honours research to my mum. She got so worried that she started thinking on what on how she could help me; eg going to the library and get materials although she doesn't know exactly what I am working on, contacting someone that is working in agricultural field, asking my uncle who is a researcher etc etc. I was like... overwhelmed and find it quite cute. Quickly asking her not to do anything. Although I am not sure how much all those can help me but it is the thought that matters. So what do we do when we need to talk to someone? Most of the time we end up talking about our problems to our siblings or friends or just keep it to ourselves. Recently a friend said she felt much better complaining to friends than her mum as it would just make her mum worry more. That is true. Friends care about you, try to help you or most commmonly giving suggestions but they will worry about you only to a certain extent, not as much as your parents will. There is certain topic that we are not used to talk to our parents about nor comfortable talking about it. There may be a generation gap. However, that doesn't mean we should communicate less with our parents. They often feel more lonely as we grow up, leaving home persuing our own dreams, busy with our daily life. So, talk about happy stuff to our parents. Don't tell them about our problems if we do not want them to worry but no harm telling them if the problems are no longer problems. We can exhange opinions and learn from their experiences. We may be surprise sometimes with what they have to say. They will be so proud, knowing that their children are all grown up now. Opss, this remind me to better call my parents tonight. Hehe

Riverfest '07

Riverfestival is the most interesting and looked-forward even of the year in Brisbane. Although the festival usually lasted for a week but the highlight of the festival was the Riverfire. Half an hour of spectacular fireworks decorated the sky. This was my 3rd time going to the event, but I will make it an yearly event (although only 1 year left =().

RAAF F111 marked the beginning of the festival and make a reappearance at the end as a finale to the fireworks. It was interesting to see people trying to guess which direction it would come from but as this time was the 10th anniversary of Brisbane Riverfestival, two RAAF showed up, one from each direction.

Brisbane city's view

The geng

And the craziest thingy was that we decided to walk back because the crowd at the bus stop was just so scary. So, we started walking along the Brisbane river. It would take one hour an half to two hours to walk all the way back to St Lucia. But half way through, some decided to take a half time break and going for coffee, some continued walking to a friend's place for drinks and I decided to go home. No need to make decision to follow which half of the group, going my own way, taking a bus home. Hehe, no walking. That was the highlight of the weekend.

Happy Merdeka

MERDEKA!!

Happy Independence Day Malaysia!!

Happy 50th Birthday!!

I am not really a patriotic person. Haven't been attending any merdeka celebration since I came to Australia. In fact, I actually never any been to any merdeka celebration 21 years of my life except for those organized in schools. May be I will be more patriotic after spending time in overseas.

Malaysia is still my home. It is where I was born, where I grew up, where my schooling years were... It is where my family and relatives are, where I got to know all my close friends. Despite all the crimes that is happening, all the inefficient services... I still wanna go home.

I guess staying in overseas, not going back for years has made me miss home more that I expected. Not going back for one year makes you crave for all the yummy food. Be it mummy's cooking or hawker stall, what students chat about the most when talking about home is food. Some might crave for all the 'lepaking' activities you can do back home; 'mamaking', window shopping etc. But not going back for two years, things changes. You are not missing the food much. Not being able to eat all those good food is no longer an issue. I really miss home. Miss my parents, my relatives, my nieces and nephews, my house, my bed, my routines at home (although my hometown is a small boring place). Having to face a tough year alone makes me appreciate home more. Not that I get a lot of support but at least at home, there will be problem free moments. And when you fall sick, the place you wanna be is definitely home. And with things happening, you wouldn't want to go home only when it is too late. Not going home for another year. Damn. Dunno how am I gonna stand but I have too.

I just realize that I don't have a picture of my house. Oh my...

So these are some pictures of my nieces and nephews. Look at their happy faces. It just feels so good

The 'pinky' promise with my dearest childhood friends

My 'family' during college days and always

At 4am

I got a couple of feedback over the past few weeks. I got to know what people think of me; what impression they have on me after knowing me for a while. What is RIGHT/wrong. I guess I have been brought up in a proper way, always knowing what is right and wrong and always doing the right rather than the wrong. Perhaps, it has been incorporated into my mind that way. I will definitely study for an exam and will not go into an exam hall unprepared at all. I don't shop til I am broke. You might think that I am a perfectionist, but I am not. I am quite 'chin chai' when it comes to certain things. I always do something because it is the right thing to do and because I feel like doing it too. I really don't mind doing it. I know no one ask me to do it or no one expect me to do it. So one might say I 'sendiri cari pasal' when doing something not being asked for then I get upset about it. Yeah, sometimes it is true but for me, is just an impromptu act. It is just who I am. Probably what I want is some appreciation for doing what is right. Sometimes it feels quite good to have helped soneone without realizing it and the friend thanked you for it. Lack of communication. I guess this is the biggest problem in a relationship. A lot of things were never been mentioned. So how are things gonna get better? I know it is difficult and therefore the holes are not patched. People are starting to feel fed up about it as it has been going on for ages. Sometimes I dont feel like mentioning it out because it always seems like I am the trouble-maker. I hate it even more when it has been mentioned but things still remain the same. So what is the point of mentioning it in the first place? A friend suggested to say it out regardless it has been heard or not. But for me, mentioning out the problem but not being heard is worst than not mentioning it at all. When everyone try to patch things in their own way without any communication, it will not always turn out successfully. Situation will not improve if there is no communication. But I guess this is one way of running away from the problem and sometimes I know I am good at doing this, which is bad. Smile more. Yes, my facial expression shows it all. Especially when I am stress, angry or upset, it is written all over my face. And even when naturally, I am always perceived as a serious, scary person. I can't help it that my face is like that. But, I think I am quite friendly. I can make friends easily if I want to. I might not be the friendliest person you ever known but I do try to be friendly. I feel the main barrier for me not being friendly is the language. If I have known more languages, I think I would have made more friends. I usually will approach the friends I know if I see them. Like recently, a friend and her friend came over and stayed at my place for one night. I ended up talking more to her friend than my friend. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I think I can get along well with many people. And it happens because I smile and show my friendliness. Perhaps, closer friends see me pull my long face more often and hence, not smiling. But at least I am not faking it in front of you. 'Motherly' figure. This label has been with me since my college days. I had a lot of 'daughters' back then. Haha. I guess I can't help but to show my concerns for others. By showing concern, I mean nagging at times. I might not know how to cheer people up but I always try to take care of one's well-beings. I feel like my mother sometimes, always thinking of what is best for others. Always try to multitask and taking over the responsibilities. And it is not like I dont look after myself because I do. So when it is not appreciated, I guess that is when I will be upset. Oh my, what has gotten into me? I am still young. Happiness is on our own hands. I know that but I don't understand it. No one can control our own happiness except for yourself. Whether we are happy or not, it depends on how we handle it. So does that mean that we gotta be selfish at time to be happy? In order to be happy and not hurting oneself, we will begin to ignore people, doing just the happy things although it is not the right thing? By doing a certain thing that makes us happy, then by all means go ahead with it although it might hurt others?? I have no idea. This are a few things I gotta say. It is kinda hard to concentrate on other stuff when not having a peace of mind. Trying not to be so emo after this. Hehe

Messed up and screwed up

The title says it all....

When someone is crying...

Most of us will not know what to do if we see someone crying. We do not know what to say because we are afraid that it will just make things worst. So, most of us will just avoid the situation, trying not to notice and pretending that we did not realize. By that way, we do not need to face the person who is crying. It is mean but normal. I was in the library (as usual) when I saw one lady was crying. She was wiping off her tears but from my guess, she was still crying. We had eye contact. But I just turned away and continued walking. I acted like I did not see what was going on. And, I had to walk pass her again to get back to my table. This time I dare not look at her at all. I dont know. It was just an unconscious action and probably by not looking at her I am not obligated to help out. I felt bad afterwards. Maybe she needed help and I have the ability to help. It might make things better for her. But with my selfishness act, I just continued on with my work, feeling guilty just for a while. Not knowing what happen to her, I hope that she will be alright. But I reckon, I am not that daring to just simply approach a stranger and asking them what is wrong. Not everyone wants to talk about it. They might even get upset for being so noosy and might turn you away and ask you to mind your own business. It could be either way and it is up to us to choose the move. I might have acted differently if she was my friend but I will still be scare. I have been in the situations where people were crying in front of me. I will be nervous, not knowing how to console them and all I do best is just accompany them. And vice versa, I know it is hard for people to face me if I am crying. So, sometimes it is better to cry alone. p/s: instead of doing my honours proposal, this is how I spend my time in the library :P

Glutinous Rice Cake

Haha. I guess a way for me to destress is to bake new stuff and feed the people around me. Since this recipe looks kinda simple andthere was some glutinous rice in the house from who knows where, so I thought of giving it a try.

Got this recipe from another blog: http://chowtimes.com/recipes/dessert/

500g glutinous rice 1 can coconut milk (398ml) 3 screwpine leaves (pandan), knotted (ignored because is expensive to buy here) 1 teaspoon salt sufficient blue food colouring

Soak the glutinous rice for 6 hours and drain. Put the rice, coconut milk, salt and screwpine leaves in a tray and steam over high heat for 45 minutes or until cooked. Do fluff the rice once in a while so that the cooking is more even. Add a bit more of water if necessary. Also checked the steaming water and dont let it dries out, add more water if necessary. Add two drops of blue colouring to 1/3 of the cooked glutinous rice. Add more if you like the cake to be more blue. Mix well the colouring into the rice. Add the remaining rice and mix gently to obtain the mixed white and blue glutinous rice.Spoon the rice into the square pan. Press, level and cover with gladwrap. Place heavy objects on top and set aside until cold and firm. Remove, cut into pieces and serve with kaya.

I basically just cut and paste from the website only. Check it out for more details.

I am glad that friends like it. When I came back in the evening from the library, half of the tray was gone!! Hooray.

HERO

Mariah Carey: Hero

There's a hero

If you look inside your heart

You don't have to be afraid

Of what you are

There's an answer

If you reach into your soul

And the sorrow that you know

Will melt away

[Chorus:]And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

It's a long road

When you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold

You can find love

If you search within yourself

And the emptiness you felt

Will disappear

Lord knows

Dreams are hard to follow

But don't let anyone

Tear them away

Just hold on

There will be tomorrow

And in time

You'll find the way

-

I just like to listen to songs that are reflecting my current condition. This is one of them right now. I am slowly climbing back up and sorry to have made some of you worried. Everything looks better, things are falling back into place. A more manageable research proposal in progress. The things that wanted to be said has been said. A clearer mind. Although I still dont know a proper direction to head towards. It will be a process of searching, a process of figuring it out. I dont know how long it will take or I might not get to the end of it at all. Let it be a part of life.

p/s: wow, i sound so positive. hopefully it will last.

A note from me

Dear friends, Thanks for all the concerns. I know I can really count on you. You guys came forward immediately after reading my previous post. Calling me, smsing me or msging me. Hear me whine about all my work despite you being busy with your stuff as well. Although I still have to do it after but at least I felt much better. I wish I can just whine about it and it will go away by itself. But unfortunately this is not how the world works. Booo. I know that you will always be there for me but it is difficult when we are not together. Blaming it on the distance across the sea and states. Haha. I can really count on some to cheer me up and laugh again. So if I am all happy in front of you, that doesn't mean I am pretending to be happy and hiding all my worries. It just mean that I am enjoying myself at that moment, not letting the worries get to me. I know it all; things will get better, I will get through it, happiness is in my own hands, etc. All the things that you guys do or say will only make me feel better temporary and in the end is all up to me. I know, I get it but I am not in it yet. I am still searching for a direction. Hopefully the path will light up soon but until then I am sorry if I offend or ignore anyone. (Although I say sorry easily, it doesn't mean I don't mean it). I still don't know what to do or how to react at some instances. I may still be angry and trying not to expect much from others. Trying to accept and learn about this world. Is tough but lastly is still me to myself. And to those who do not know who to react, you can keep on pretending like nothing happen or whatever. I am mad but I am trying to be more understanding. Hopefully I am not giving you such a hard time. All in all, I am not 100% alright now. Expecting a lot of down moments still to happen. Just trying to live one day at a time. One step at a time.

Unstable condition

Being saturated with uni work, it would be nice if I can get some concern and love. It is just that being so stress, having to push myself to the limit and not having anyone I can rely on is seriously affecting me. After spending the whole entire day in library, I am not looking forward to go back to my house. It doesn't make a different, no matter where I am, I still feel lonely. Not feeling any concern from anyone, be it near or far. I know I put up depressing nickname on MSN but that is explaining my current condition. I guess people just ignore it, not caring and once even a friend said I just want some attention. Yes, obviously I do because I am not feeling alright. I wanna talk to someone, at least then I will realize that there is people out there caring about it. I know there are people out there for me but when I am all messed and screwed up, I can't think that way because I am not feeling it. I need to feel it, not just knowing it. It was good then once upon a time, a friend actually took my nicknames seriously and tried to comfort me, almost everynight for being emo. I felt better knowing someone was actually standing by my side. But things changes. The friend can't be there for me all the time. Not blaming you. And I guess, the more I expect from the people around me, the more dissapointed I get. I am always lost, needing some emotional support. I know some of you are busy with your own life, having you own personal issues, not expecting anything from you. I can't help but to feel jealous towards some people who has support and care from everywhere. It makes me wonder why am I not feeling it. No one knows when I am sick nor have I eaten the whole day nor the times that I broke down. There is always some other incidence overwhelming my little suffering. I can't help but to wonder if I were to go missing one day, will anyone notice it? Of course my parents will but I dont call them everyday. I am just not in the right state of mind to be positive now. Is not that I enjoy being all sad, depressing and stress out, but I just can't help it. No one to cheer me up, makes it even more difficult to be happy. Because it has always been me gathering some strength, walk out and be cheerful again. This time will be a very tough one. Nevertheless, in times like this, you will experience more surprises. Getting unexpected comforting words from unexpected people puts some light to this life.

Drift away

Day after day I'm more confused

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So I look for the light in the pouring rain

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Beginning to think that I'm wastin' time

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I don't understand the things I do

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Part of Dobie Gray's drift away. Listened to the song earlier and just feel like part of the lyrics suits me.

One day

Crying alone on a cold winter day Walking aimlessly in the middle of the night Wondering how much more one have to endure Doubting how strong more can one be. Knowing it is much worst out there Having a downfall is a norm in life Experiencing it is nevertheless difficult Praying only for the best. Looking for strength in every corner Trying to cope as much as possible Putting the pieces back together Hoping for a better day.

All because of HONOURS

Staying in library during a 4 hours break is torturing

what more on a Monday morning.

Looking at the articles waiting to be interpretated

piles of books waiting to be touched.

Going through and forth the book shelfs

standing up and down grabbing books

causing dizziness

due to the experience of low blood pressure.

Feel like vomiting

not because of food poisoning

but due to the work loads.

Fatigue and tiredness are 'wonderful' additions

but a resting 'antidote' is not permitted.

Eyes blurry

but not allowed to close.

Stress mounting

not knowing how to release

not having anyone around

not receiving any tender, love and care

just making matter worst.

All these are the side effects of a single word

HONOURS

Cheesecake

Before the semester gets any busier, I decided to bake cheesecake since a few of my friends really like them.

Gotten this recipe from a blog site http://cookingismypassion.blogspot.com/ and modified it a little myself (to make it easier for me =p):

250g Short biscuits crushed (use 'Digestive' cookies or 'Nice' by Arnotts)

140 gms butter melted

1/4 cup brown sugar

500 gms cream cheese (softened)

300gm sour cream

3/4 cup castor sugar

2 tbsp good berry jam

1 punnet strawberries sliced

3 eggs

Mix melted butter, crushed biscuits and brown sugar in a large bowl. Press mixture firmly into base and sides of a 22cm spring form cheesecake pan. Cover with clingwrap and pop into the freezer. Beat in a large bowl, cheese, sour cream and castor sugar. Add in eggs one at a time and beat till smooth. Arrange berries on the biscuit base and spread jam evenly on top. Cover berries with cheese mixture and spread evenly. Bake in preheated 160 degree oven for 45minutes till fairly set in the center. Leave the cake to cool in the oven with the door slightly ajar (helps prevent the cake from cracking). Refrigerate for 3 hours.

Trying to safe cost, I used canned strawberry instead of fresh ones. I blended them and spread them on the biscuit base instead of the jam. It did not turn out that good because there wasn't enough strawberry. So, it became more like a plain cheesecake. It was a little burnt too. Opss. Learnt a lesson from there but overall, the cake wasn't too bad.I also refrigerate it overnight to make sure it was hard enough to be eaten. Though it did not look as good as the recipe, I am glad a lot of people liked it.

Deaf or dumb

Have you experience telling someone a story but no response was given after? Or have you complain about something and response given was not satisfactory? Do you feel that sometimes you are talking to a wall rather than a human being? It is very frustrated to be in this situation. What is the point of talking when keeping quiet is a better option. I have accounted many of this kind of situations. Once, something happen and so I complained to two friends about it. The responses that I got was so different. One said "there is nothing you can do about it" and just walked away. No comfort words were given at all. Puzzled as I am, I wonder why can't one just give some comforting words since they can't help. It can help the person in trouble to feel at least a little better. Another friend had a totally opposite response. Although she didn't know how to solve my problems but she said "I will try to ask around". Eventhough it does not give any guarantee that she can help me to solve it but it is the words being said that makes me feel better. I did not expect much solution from that friend since she was not an expert in that area but she did went around asking people and came back to me with a solution. I am not sure whether did it solve the problem but at least the problem is not longer a problem now. Just see the differences in the responses given. It makes you realize who your true friends are. It makes me wonder as well how deep is my relationship with the friend giving the former response. We have been friends for a couple of years now and I thought we were close, but somehow... it is rather dissapointing. In another instances, have you ever have to start a conversation most of the time? It is seriously getting on my nerves now as I feel that if I do not start a conversation then the conversation will not happen at all? It will then be as if we are a total stranger to each other. And what make matter worst is when I try to make a conversation but all I get is just a single word answer. It is like I am doing all the asking and hungry for answers. A conversation will not last long if it doesn't go two ways. I am sick of trying to strike a conversation all the time. Why should I bother starting a conversation when the others are not interested in it. Or maybe I should accept the fact that people are just not interested in talking to me. The problem is with me and not others. Hence, when you do not get a response or a satisfactory reply, is either the other person did not hear what you said or just not bother by it. Deaf or dumb?

Same, a little similar, a little different and the total opposite

This world is just filled with so much different personalities. Ranging from one end to the other. One's personality will fall somewhere within that range. And if you are luckily enough, you will find someone with a similar personality, clicking instantly and becoming best buddies or life-long partner. You share everything together; having the same thoughts and same reactions and even able to read each others mind at times. A little apart, there are some people who are not exactly like yourself but you can get along well. You enjoy their company, hanging out together and a little disagreement once in a while. You may not agree with each other all the time, staying put at your own opinion and protecting it. At times, one party will give way and follows your decisions. Others is your turn to give way. Addition, both can discuss and coming up with a conclusion together. But when no one wants to give way and cant get along, that is when problems start. A distance will grow from there. And when that happen, two outcomes will occur: Firstly, there is no big a deal about the disagreement, both will eventually forget about it and get along again. This is when you get to learn more about your friend, helps you to understand them better and knowing how to react the next time it happen again. A friendship will be built then onwards. Secondly, the distance just got further. You begin to disagree more often or perhaps on many things. No one wants to give in at all or discussing about it. This can happen more easily if one is a stubborn person or others may call this standing strong on ones principles. Eventually, you dislikes each other's company, not hanging out as much as you used to. A further apart from your personality, are people who are quite different from oneself. They may have different way of thinking and acting. They do things differently. Is not a total bad thing. You can still be friends but you just don't share everything together. Same things are left unshared because of the feelings that that person may not understand how you feel and you may waste time trying to convience them or worst get into a fight. So you are still friends but a distance is kept. But nonetheless, there are people who are personalities aparts but you are still close to them. Probably opposites attract. You enjoy exchanging different views and doing stuff differently once in a while. It can be good fun. It is good in a sense that you have more variety in life rather than just sticking to the people who are similar to youself. However, sometimes you can be rather puzzled or amazed. Not understanding how one can react in a way that you may never think off. Interesting. And lastly, is at the opposite end of the range. Someone that you just can never get along. You are very different from each other. You may never be friends as you only sees the bad side of a person. Everything that the person does or say is not good enough with you. You will find fault in every little thing he/she does. So the best is to avoid each other and no one gets hurt. I know that it is difficult to categorized everyone. It is just a rough overview. Many people fall in between those categories. It is hard to have a black and white in this area. The outcomes arent that simple, it can be heartaching at time especially when you care but just cant get along. At some point, when you cant get along with most thing, feeling that everything is so different, you will feel lonely and thinking what went wrong. Nevertheless if the outcome is good, you can be having a tremendous time of your life! I guess then it will beats everything else; all the fights and heart-breaking.

KOREA & TAIWAN

I think I will start with a brief overview of my 18 days trip to Taiwan and Korea during my semester break. TAIWAN Spending only 3 days in Taipei wasn't really enough. But the main agenda for the trip was to try out Taiwanese food and did that successfully. Due to my noobness in Chinese, I cant really describe in detail what I did or what I ate. All I did was just tagging along Sailo (my housemate) and Siew Ching (her sister). I had no involvement in any planning, what more in ordering food. Haha. Everything was decided for me which makes my life easier, thank you for that. Despite that, and more in Korea I felt useless sometimes. Depending on others all the time due to language barrier was not fun. What more the feeling of troubling others makes me hold back; not voicing too much and be easy-going. Thus, I vowed that the next time I go travelling, I would rather go to an English speaking country. Nevertheless, it was still an exciting experience, a different experience.

KOREA My arrival to Seoul was exciting as two of my friends were waiting, Tina (beloved Korean friend) and Tanya (friends for 16 years) who were my host as well.

Tina ~ thanks for your time, missing you always

Tanya ~ missing you & 'dubu', crazy together forever

Later on the trip, had a reunion with Yue Jung and Hye Rim. It was wonderful to be able to see each other again for a long time. Catching up, updating each other and talking about the good old times. It was just simply wonderful. One of the memorable moment was when we met up with Yue Jung. Sailo and mine trip to Korea was kept secret from her and the gathering was a set up. The moment she saw us in the subway station, she was so shocked. Not believing it that we were there in Korea. It was great.

The long-awaited reunion

One thing not to be miss when travelling was to try to local foods. I have done that well throughout the whole trip, trying almost all the Korean food, with different food each meal.

Trying Korean food for lunch

More food for dinner

What we ate for SUPPER!

Seoul was just so happening. There were so many cafes around that one could just spend hours hanging out, chatting. There is a night life!

Visiting the tourist spots was just to complete the tour. We visited a lot of places, some that even the locals did not know about it. Trying out costumes and posing to take photos was interesting and fun.

Trying out Korean traditional dress aka Hanbok at Insadong

In North Korea army uniform and olden-days school uniform

Jumping so happily in front of the Gyeongbokgung Palace =P

We took another brave step by travelling to Busan and Jeju Island by ourselves. With the limited knowledge on Korean language that Sailo knows, we survived. What would I have done without you, thanks a lot! It was interesting, trying to break the language barrier to understand each other. It was funny too. No offence to any Koreans, but when I spoke to them in English, they replied in Korean. It happened a couple of time and mostly I just pretended that I understood what they said. I wonder do they think I knew Korean but just wanted to speak English or they did not bother if I understood Korean? Amusing.

Visited more places in Jeju and Busan

That was basically how my trip went. There were much more things that we do, but I guess this is enough. It was my first overseas trip, inpromptu and last minute planning. It did turn out quite well. It was great and amazing. Looking forward for more trips like this!!

The Birth

Rebirth of my blog. I was actually satisfied with using friendster's blog since I blog only once in a blue moon. However since this blog was created by one beloved friend of mine, I decided to go ahead with it and give it a try. Hopefully it will be alive. I did not know that my previous posts were actually interesting to others. For me, they were just somewhere to write something to express some thoughts. But I am glad that you people enjoyed it. I reckon this blog will be for friends to see what I have to say about life. It will not be much update about my daily life, more of thoughts that come with it. So, do leave some comments so that I know how others think or feel about some aspect of life too. Cheers! Lastly, for my first post, I would give a big thanks to Celest for starting this blog for me. Without you, I dont think I will create one. Haha. Thanks gal and missing you lots.