Not the same

Certain situations just won't be the same. As much as I try to be understanding, it still won't feel the same. The impact of an situation, especially a bad luck affecting the person will not be the same as to others who are trying to help or understand. I can try my best to help, offer sympathy and feel sorry, but I can still move forward soon after. I will not be thinking and worrying about it all the time. Now I realize how naive I was last year. Trying to make my problems into other people problems too. The way I handled things were not something I am proud off. But I guess, you do have to make mistakes to learn from it. 2007 was a tough year but it did teach me well indeed. Learnt when to hold on and when to let go. Learnt what it worth all the trouble and what is not. Learnt what is more important and what is not. Not only myself. I think most of us have grown throughout the years. Especially when studying overseas. Be it in physically, mentally or emotionally, we have grown in one way or another without a doubt. It is good to be able to grow and share the experiences with the close ones p/s: hopefully things will work out well for you, my friend. just breathe for the time being.

A series of misfortune and a good luck

Things were not going well for me for the past few weeks. It started off during the mid-year break where I had to repeat my experiment AGAIN and found out a month later that the results were not any better. It was such a waste of time and effort. Then, I fall sick during my last week of QUM where a report and presentation was due by the end of the week. So, there was no rest for me despite being sick. In addition, my preceptor was expecting much out of my project. Extra stress. And when I thought I was done with it, I found out that I was in the wrong track the day before it was due. I practically rewrite half of it and managed to finish on time. Phew When the schedule of our presentation was out, I just had to be the last person of my tutorial group to present. How much I yearn to get over and done with it asap. It just had to be my luck to be the last person this year when for honours' presentation, I was schedule to be last as well. My honours thesis was due in one month and I still haven't gotten my results. A week later, there it was, not any better, just making it more complicating to analyse. What frustrated me the most was how unhelpful my supervisor was. All she could think of was her future plans for the project. I didn't give a damn about the project. I was more concern on how to write my report. She was of no help when I faced difficulties nor offering to find a solution. I was left hanging, feeling lost. Two more weeks to go, I still do not have my main results. No results = no discussion. So the major part of my report is still yet to be done. Feeling stress but can't do anything because I am still stuck. It took 2 supervisors and 1 lecturer to figure out the many sets of data that I had. But a conclusion is still yet to be made. Seriously, hopefully they will come out with something soon. I need to write my discussion. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, my eye swell. 'Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga'. I have a recurring meibomian cyst on my eyelid. The doctor gave me a referral letter to RBH (Royal Brisbane Hospital) for a minor surgery to remove it. The cyst is not life-threatening but just annoying. Til now, I am considering when to go to the hospital. I have another assignment 3000 words assignment due 4 days after I have to hand in my honours thesis. But I have only 2 days to do that assignment as I have another group assessment in the other 2 days. I thought it would be the end of the world for me that week. However, behind every cloud, there is a silver lining. Having 30 different topics assigned to the students, it was like a jackpot if you could find someone with the same topic. Things couldn't get any better when I got a copy of a senior's report of the same topic. I was soooo happy. It was awesome. It just took a large burden of my shoulder. I couldn't stop smiling. There is still some light in life when everything else seems so dark. My luck had just got better. I also found out that recently, 2 of my friends got engaged; Abby and Nadia. Congrats girls. So happy for you guys. Hopefully, I can attend the weddings. Hehe. And another close friend got attached. Good on ya. Though there is no good news from my side of story, I am happy with the way I am right now =P. Life is just like a rollercoster. Once you are down there, you can't go any lower. It is time to climb back up to the peak. So all the best to all the final year students. Hanging in there. We are almost reaching the end and we will survive!! Haha

Irony

It is irony how things turns out to be. It happen when you least expect it and does not happen when there is a possiblility. It is bizzare how some people who are not supposed to help me, willingly spend some of their time helping me and praised me for the effort I put in. Otherwise, another person who is involved from the beginning to the end, not only isn't very helpful but is more self-centered. Should you be grateful to those who helped you unexpectedly more or to those who are there to help every now and then along the whole way?? Whatever that is going on, no one else can help you more than yourself. Sometimes you do wish that other people give a helping hand to make life easier. But it does not happen all the time. If you are lucky, you will get help and be grateful for it. Otherwise, just help yourself.

A nice day

When in mood is right, everything seems good. Even the bad things doesn't seem so bad after all. We tend to look at the bright side of things and sees the shining light. Little things tend to make us happy. Gently lay down the troubles aside, not wanting it to destroy this moments. We can deal with it later. The once upon a time anger, frustration, dissapointment towards a person was gone when I finally get a chance to meet her. Thought that a defensive battle of words was needed to protect myself. But it seemed to be a calm and peaceful discussion. A little useful, a lot more could be given. But it has always been this way, work hard on my own. Nothing more I could asked for. A short phone conversation but was enough to carve a smile. Additional conversation was not expected but ever more glad to have it. The excitement on the other side made me have something to look forward to. It felt so welcoming yet formal. Looking back at the problems that I faced for the past few months, it amazed me. Never realised I have gone through so much. Yet there will be more to come. I survived and I will continue to survive. Whether the following days will be easy or tough to face, that's to find out. No point worrying about the future when there are heaps to do at the present. Cheers and have a nice day!!

Sickness

Sickness is when:

• your body is telling you that you need to slow down after rushing all day long
• you need to get some rest and sleep
• you get some time off to love yourself
• you have to take good care of yourself because others can't help much

But sickness is also when:

• you realize who will actually look after you
• you find out to what extend others care about you
• you see how insensitive some people can be
• you find out how dissapointing the way some people act

No matter how much care you have given out, at the end of the day you can only count on yourself. Nevertheless, there are still some beautiful people to prove that there is still love around sickness.

An Update

Oh boy... it has been busy busy. It is the last semester before graduation. Everyone is getting busy, busy with final year project, busy enjoying the last few months of being a uni student, busy earning money as a casual worker etc etc. I have been busy with my supposedly-done-with honours project. Having to repeat the whole lab work again at this time of the year wasn't expected at all and frustrating like-hell. All my attempts to avoid repeating my lab work failed. It was just too much to swallow, that I surrendered. I just do what I had to and what I could do. Really much thanks to those that supported me and gave me advice, my mum and my dear friends. I wasn't ready to give up my casual work at the same time. Call me crazy or greedy. I wanted to have both and I did it. I woke up as early as 6am to reach my lab by 7am. And by noon, I would be done with my lab work n started working at my sandwich shop. A few days of that routine was enough to drain all my energy. Then, it was QUM (Quality Use of Medicine) placement time. It was a full-time placement from 8am to 430pm. There was a project to be done and it is still on its way. It has been an overwhelming experience to date and it was getting more comfortable at the same time. Unfortunately, it did not get any easier. There were other incidences happening at the same time. It is during these rough time that we will find out who their true friends are. It is kinda obvious. Who is sincere and who is not. It makes me wonder what happen to all those friends that we have when we are all healthy and happy. It is also at this time that people's real personality shines. How helpful or how selfish can one person be? How much does a person willing to sacrifice for others (in terms of time, money and effort)? How two-sided a person is? How impressive people can be with their actions and thoughts? And how much is too much? I am fine. I am well. I am just breathing. Nonetheless, there are people out there to make my day. There are people for me to vent my anger and listen to me whine. There are people to transform frustration into laughter. There are people to share the love with. Love you guys!!

i

i wanted to cry

i smiled

i was going to break down

i stood up

i wondered what's my luck

i moved on

Results of 6 hours in uni

What do I get from wandering around uni aimlessly for 6 freaking hours?? 1 - waited for my main supervisor who did not show up to work (and no one knows about it) and had to call her home phone 2 - emailed my co-supervisor and waited for a reply; found out that she was in uni but nowhere to be seen and did not reply my email yet 3 - managed to make an appointment with my head supervisor (which my main supervisor could not get a hold of him) but now I don't know what I am going to say during the meeting 4 - seeked advice from a course co-ordinator; received good and bad news, making it harder to make a decision 5 - emailed another lecturer to ask for help (whom is known to be moody) and regret about it now as there might be more stats than what I have right now 6 - messed up with my work schedule and hopefully my boss is not mad at me 7 - called my preceptor regarding my one month placement in a hospital and found out that I start at 800 am 8 - managed to run some errands - bank, photocopy shop, news agency, post-office In conclusion, I was more confused, screwed more things up and more stressed up by the end of the day. More and more things to be taken into consideration to make a DECISION. Just making things more complicating.

Multiple choice

What do you do when you noticed your friend's behaviour/mood changed all of a sudden? A. find out what is going on with their life and try to help if there is a problem B. give them some space and time and then approach C. wait until they come to you with their problem and in the time being, act like nothing happen D. not bothered with the change in behaviour/mood as it does not concern you What do you do when you are not happy about someone? A. confront that person and let them know what you are unhappy about B. keep quite but it shows in your face C. unhappy at that moment but forget about it soon after D. compliant to other people What do you do when you realize you are not treating others nicely? A. apologise and try to make up for it B. just treat them nicer from this point onwards C. feel bad but not bothered to do anything about it D. some people are just not worth it, so continue treating them badly What do you do when you realize your relationship with a friend is growing apart? A. put in afford to make arrangement to meet up and catch up B. give them a call on the phone or start a chat on msn C. can't make any time to meet up as very busy with work currently D. not bothered to meet up as there are other better things to do What do you do when you have a conflict of interest with a person? A. open to discussion and try to work out the best outcome together B. accept the other person's opinion and respect the decision made without compromising your own stand C. get a second opinion for a third party D. convince that person that your way is better I wouldn't say there is a right/wrong answer for each question. Each and every answer may be correct depending on the situation and the person you are relating to. In a certain situation, "A" may seem more appropriate but "B" may not be incorrect as well. It depends on how you set your priority, which is more important to you. Some answer may seem inappropriate or mean, but it may be the optimal solution in real life. Life is harsh and sometimes you gotta make decisions that you are not really keen on to survive.

Lab work

Finally, finally is over. I am finally done with my lab work for my honours. Yahoo!! It is worth a celebration. Haha. A two weeks lab work was extended to 5 months!! How can I not be excited that is it all over.

Nevertheless, only the lab part is done. Now working on analysing the results. And then, there will be the writing up part. That will be another nightmare, but that is to worry later. Hehe.

5 sets of results were obtained with slight modification from one to another set. 2 were useless. So, the other 3 sets were being analyzed and they gave the same conclusion which is good. Now we gotta decide which set of data to use as the results in my paper, which one will look better in my paper. It was seriously a waste of time repeating one set after another when the conclusions were all the same. I guess it will give better support to my results. So what was the conclusion from my research work? There is variation in beta-carotene content between Kensington Pride mangoes. Duh... Everyone could have guess that without needing a research on it. But I did a 5 months lab work to prove it. Sigh. Not sure what contribution or significant my research will be. Oh well...

At least is over now. I did learn some research techniques, some instrumentation procedure. Really learnt time management because I always try to squeeze in some time for lab between lectures, tutorials, group discussions and work. Trying to maximize all the possible time I had. Learnt to multi-task, accomplish a few goals at one time but also not to be too greedy (had a few lessons to teach me this). It also tested my patience and strengths. And finally it changed me to be a morning person. Hehe. Can't really sleep in much anymore. Just automatically wake up and more productive in the morning.

Continue...

And the busyness continues. It was until the extend of me leaving my laptop at my friend's place as we were having group discussion day and night. There was no point bring my laptop back home as I did not have the time to use it. Hehe. It was just one night though. Then lappie got back to where it belongs. There are four members in my assignment group and all 4 of us are working. So whenever we want to decide when to meet up, we gotta take into consideration each others working hours. As a result, we do not have much flexibility on the timing for discussion. Whenever everyone is free, no one is working or gotta go lab, we meet up straight away. Haha. It is always hilarious seeing us trying to squeeze out time for the group discussion. What makes it more interesting is that out of the 4 members in my group, 2 of teammates' birthday fall on this month. So there are birthday celebrations to organize and attend. Therefore in the midst of all the assignments, breaks in between is what everyone need most.

Busyness, Craziness, Madness

Gosh. It has been an incredible busy month. Assignments, group discussions, lab, presentation, logbook, case studies, work and the list goes on and on. Studying for exam is not even included in the list yet. And on top of that, a couple birthday celebrations going on this month.

I think I spend more time anywhere else except my house. The lastest time I woke up was 9am. My day sometimes starts as early as 6am. And I would be all dead by night.

I couldn't even chat much with my mum on Mother's Day. But she made my day when I could hear her all excited over the other side when I called. Furthermore, I only called my god mother a day after May 11 and wished her happy belated Mother's Day. Anyway, I would like to shout out "Happy Mother's Day" to my mums. I love both of you.

And things aren't going smoothly. The UPLC machine that I used for analysing my mangoes as part of my honours work is giving me problems. Not enough with the standards keep on crashing out, this machine always stopped running when I was not around. An overnight run could be dragged up to 2 days long. I really had to 'baby-sit' the machine to ensure that it was running properly. Blardy hell. Really testing my patience.

Then assignment was not being done correctly. So what else, gotta redo.

I am seriously trying to keep a positive mind despite all this incidences. Trying to prevent the work piles from driving me insane. This madness does not seem to ease anytime soon. Being fatigue and tired all day long, the only thing I look forward everyday is a cup of coffee. Hee.

Rambling about random thoughts

When one claims that he/she understand another person well, how sure are you that you actually understand them well? There may be some underlying issues that is going on with that person that you may not know off. And by claiming that you know the person well, how well is well? Sometimes when one claims that he/she can predict how a person react or feel to a certain situation, how sure are you that you are not actually pressuring them to be like that. Unintentionally, you may confined them to be like that and not allowing them to show the actual side. They will be forced to pretend that everything is alright which the actual fact is not. They have to keep everything to themselves and just afraid that one day they can not take it anymore and explode. They may also be offended by you making such a statement. Do not say that you understand a person well when maybe you only know them around 30%?? Sometimes you may hit the right button but that may not be the case all the time. So do not claim that you understand everything without giving them a chance to explain. Always give a person some space. Note: It is just a thought and not refering to any particular person or situation.

The language of virtue

Speak less words of complaint

and more of forgiveness

as complaints bring about hatred

while forgiveness is wisdom.

.

Speak less words of sarcasm

and more of respectfulness

as sarcasm reveals disparagement

while respectfulness increase understanding.

.

Speak less words of harm

and more of thoughtfulness

as harm cause contraindication

while thoughtfulness develops friendship.

.

Speak less words of command

and more of discussion

as command forces acceptance

while discussion is true leadership.

.

Speak less words of criticism

and more of encouragement

as criticism creates barriers

while encouragement nurtures potential.

.

p/s: so don't encourage me to complaint my friend =P. LOL

Two days

My life suddenly slowed down. All thanks to my ankle. As I injured myself, I gave myself some good excuses to skip tutorials, presentations and placement (but still gotta replace my placement next week...boo). I stayed home fully for these past two days. I never even stepped a foot out of the house. It has been ages since I last stayed home for one full day. For the past few months, I was always running out; to uni, to lab, to work, to placement, to gym etc. Even my weekends were occupied. Working on Saturdays. Grocery shopping, if not lunch on Sundays. Sprained my ankle on Saturday evening but still out for dinner that night, then lunch and grocery shopping on Sunday. It felt different. A little weird but a little peace. Haha. Just sat down and get some assignment done, watched some series. But I just can't wait to get out. There are lots of things waiting to be done out of this house. Moments ago, I was just planning my day starting tommorrow until ANZAC day. Trying to fit my honours lab work into my uni schedule. And I decided I rather be busy, which means I will continue working on Saturday. Haha

Four months

Four months had passed.

What was supposed to be only for 8 weeks

had lasted longer than expected;

beyond everyone's expectation.

-

Four months had passed.

Much work has been done

but none of the results were promising.

-

Four months had passed.

Cycles after cycles were repeated.

What was once interesting

had lost its appeal.

-

Four months had passed.

Just hoping for the best

hoping that it will end soon.

But nothing is certain;

anything can happen.

-

Four months had passed.

Lessons learnt from it;

patience and perserverance.

-

Four months.

Mood swings

Mood swings. Everyone has their own mood swings, due to different reasons, at different place, on different timing. I do realize that my mood swings are quite fast and high. One thing for sure, it is not a PMS syndrome. More like a seasonal thingy as I do not experience it on a monthly basis =P. It is more prevalence when I am not well and exam time. I am able to acknowledge and I do have to do something about it. I am learning. I am learning to handle it better, to not let things affecting me easily. Ignorance is bliss right? That is something I find very hard to learn. I do admire people who are able to careless about things, nothing gets in their way and just be happy. Which individual in this world who doesn't want to be happy right? I guess, for me I feel that if you can be ignorant about something, it means that you don't really care about it. I suppose that is why I take a lot of things seriously. I know do not make other people's problem your problem. I guess it wouldn't bother you too much but just try to help much as possible. Everyone needs a helping hand every now and then. I guess I was kinda upset for being punished for not being ignorant. Is not like I have done something bad, nothing really except for showimg my 'black, moody' face quite frequently nowadays =P. I felt like the good things that I have done is of no use. It sort of making me lose hope on the good things. That was my lowest moment. But I guess, everytime you fall, at some point you cant go any lower. You just gotta climb back up again. You gotta be strong at this stage to overcome any obstacles and get back to the top again. I was so pissed off one night and lots of thoughts were running in my head. I got very tired and is driving me nuts until I got to a point that I just let everything go. Knowing myself, I might not have learn everything from it. Everyone knows it not easy to change oneself. Instead of changing, I guess is better to learn to adjust to it first. What a friend once told me is very true. Knowing the kind of person I am, if I force myself not to care, I wont feel any better. I might just start to feel guilty then. Haha. I know I am complicating. So neither way is a solution. I just gotta live with it. Just do what my heart feels like doing, what makes me happy and most importantly having no regrets about it after.

Words speak louder than actions

Ironic isn't it that many people usually speak louder than their actions. But I guess this is what a normal human being usually does. They could show so much concerns by asking and asking, pastering other people but at the end of the day, no one actually wants to take up the responsibility. No one wants to stand up and take action. No one wants to be the leader and lead everyone. Everyone just pushes the responsibility around until someone, the one who has the highest obligation has to take up the responsibility. I reckon people usually doesn't care as much as they sound. All that is being done is just caring a little and then walk away. For certain people I guess that is the very much they'll do. Or I guess the relationship is not that close as they claim to be? Is it just me or this is just the way it how it suppose to be? Wouldn't it be unfair that people just wanna have fun but not wanting to do the work? I guess it comes down to some people just dont care as much. If that is the case, then dont speak as loud. If you want to speak then act on it. Haha. I am just confusing people and playing with words again. I just say what I wanna say.

Why

Why

is it so difficult for me

to understand

to accept

.

Why

despite so many incidences

and obviousness

I still don't get it

.

Why

am I stubborn

and refuse to acknowledge

.

Why

don't I learn

and listen to advice

.

Why

do I keep doing this

to myself

and to others

.

Why

.

Because I care??

Finally

Finally I am done

Done with it, that is for this year

Yet there is more awaiting next year

But that is not for now to worry.

-

After months of suffering

weeks of torturing

days of lifeless

finally it is over.

-

A 40 pages of written words

a 10 minutes of presentation

it was indeed an experience.

-

But if I were given the chance to decide again

I am not sure if I will make the same decision

a lot had happen

a lot of things that I am not proud off

it forced the evil side of me

a side that no one had seen it before including myself.

-

Nonetheless

I am not giving up on it now

learnt a lot from it

and more to come

be it good and bad

most importantly not to regret it

and that is the life I wanna live in.