At 4am

I got a couple of feedback over the past few weeks. I got to know what people think of me; what impression they have on me after knowing me for a while. What is RIGHT/wrong. I guess I have been brought up in a proper way, always knowing what is right and wrong and always doing the right rather than the wrong. Perhaps, it has been incorporated into my mind that way. I will definitely study for an exam and will not go into an exam hall unprepared at all. I don't shop til I am broke. You might think that I am a perfectionist, but I am not. I am quite 'chin chai' when it comes to certain things. I always do something because it is the right thing to do and because I feel like doing it too. I really don't mind doing it. I know no one ask me to do it or no one expect me to do it. So one might say I 'sendiri cari pasal' when doing something not being asked for then I get upset about it. Yeah, sometimes it is true but for me, is just an impromptu act. It is just who I am. Probably what I want is some appreciation for doing what is right. Sometimes it feels quite good to have helped soneone without realizing it and the friend thanked you for it. Lack of communication. I guess this is the biggest problem in a relationship. A lot of things were never been mentioned. So how are things gonna get better? I know it is difficult and therefore the holes are not patched. People are starting to feel fed up about it as it has been going on for ages. Sometimes I dont feel like mentioning it out because it always seems like I am the trouble-maker. I hate it even more when it has been mentioned but things still remain the same. So what is the point of mentioning it in the first place? A friend suggested to say it out regardless it has been heard or not. But for me, mentioning out the problem but not being heard is worst than not mentioning it at all. When everyone try to patch things in their own way without any communication, it will not always turn out successfully. Situation will not improve if there is no communication. But I guess this is one way of running away from the problem and sometimes I know I am good at doing this, which is bad. Smile more. Yes, my facial expression shows it all. Especially when I am stress, angry or upset, it is written all over my face. And even when naturally, I am always perceived as a serious, scary person. I can't help it that my face is like that. But, I think I am quite friendly. I can make friends easily if I want to. I might not be the friendliest person you ever known but I do try to be friendly. I feel the main barrier for me not being friendly is the language. If I have known more languages, I think I would have made more friends. I usually will approach the friends I know if I see them. Like recently, a friend and her friend came over and stayed at my place for one night. I ended up talking more to her friend than my friend. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I think I can get along well with many people. And it happens because I smile and show my friendliness. Perhaps, closer friends see me pull my long face more often and hence, not smiling. But at least I am not faking it in front of you. 'Motherly' figure. This label has been with me since my college days. I had a lot of 'daughters' back then. Haha. I guess I can't help but to show my concerns for others. By showing concern, I mean nagging at times. I might not know how to cheer people up but I always try to take care of one's well-beings. I feel like my mother sometimes, always thinking of what is best for others. Always try to multitask and taking over the responsibilities. And it is not like I dont look after myself because I do. So when it is not appreciated, I guess that is when I will be upset. Oh my, what has gotten into me? I am still young. Happiness is on our own hands. I know that but I don't understand it. No one can control our own happiness except for yourself. Whether we are happy or not, it depends on how we handle it. So does that mean that we gotta be selfish at time to be happy? In order to be happy and not hurting oneself, we will begin to ignore people, doing just the happy things although it is not the right thing? By doing a certain thing that makes us happy, then by all means go ahead with it although it might hurt others?? I have no idea. This are a few things I gotta say. It is kinda hard to concentrate on other stuff when not having a peace of mind. Trying not to be so emo after this. Hehe