Happy Merdeka

MERDEKA!!

Happy Independence Day Malaysia!!

Happy 50th Birthday!!

I am not really a patriotic person. Haven't been attending any merdeka celebration since I came to Australia. In fact, I actually never any been to any merdeka celebration 21 years of my life except for those organized in schools. May be I will be more patriotic after spending time in overseas.

Malaysia is still my home. It is where I was born, where I grew up, where my schooling years were... It is where my family and relatives are, where I got to know all my close friends. Despite all the crimes that is happening, all the inefficient services... I still wanna go home.

I guess staying in overseas, not going back for years has made me miss home more that I expected. Not going back for one year makes you crave for all the yummy food. Be it mummy's cooking or hawker stall, what students chat about the most when talking about home is food. Some might crave for all the 'lepaking' activities you can do back home; 'mamaking', window shopping etc. But not going back for two years, things changes. You are not missing the food much. Not being able to eat all those good food is no longer an issue. I really miss home. Miss my parents, my relatives, my nieces and nephews, my house, my bed, my routines at home (although my hometown is a small boring place). Having to face a tough year alone makes me appreciate home more. Not that I get a lot of support but at least at home, there will be problem free moments. And when you fall sick, the place you wanna be is definitely home. And with things happening, you wouldn't want to go home only when it is too late. Not going home for another year. Damn. Dunno how am I gonna stand but I have too.

I just realize that I don't have a picture of my house. Oh my...

So these are some pictures of my nieces and nephews. Look at their happy faces. It just feels so good

The 'pinky' promise with my dearest childhood friends

My 'family' during college days and always

At 4am

I got a couple of feedback over the past few weeks. I got to know what people think of me; what impression they have on me after knowing me for a while. What is RIGHT/wrong. I guess I have been brought up in a proper way, always knowing what is right and wrong and always doing the right rather than the wrong. Perhaps, it has been incorporated into my mind that way. I will definitely study for an exam and will not go into an exam hall unprepared at all. I don't shop til I am broke. You might think that I am a perfectionist, but I am not. I am quite 'chin chai' when it comes to certain things. I always do something because it is the right thing to do and because I feel like doing it too. I really don't mind doing it. I know no one ask me to do it or no one expect me to do it. So one might say I 'sendiri cari pasal' when doing something not being asked for then I get upset about it. Yeah, sometimes it is true but for me, is just an impromptu act. It is just who I am. Probably what I want is some appreciation for doing what is right. Sometimes it feels quite good to have helped soneone without realizing it and the friend thanked you for it. Lack of communication. I guess this is the biggest problem in a relationship. A lot of things were never been mentioned. So how are things gonna get better? I know it is difficult and therefore the holes are not patched. People are starting to feel fed up about it as it has been going on for ages. Sometimes I dont feel like mentioning it out because it always seems like I am the trouble-maker. I hate it even more when it has been mentioned but things still remain the same. So what is the point of mentioning it in the first place? A friend suggested to say it out regardless it has been heard or not. But for me, mentioning out the problem but not being heard is worst than not mentioning it at all. When everyone try to patch things in their own way without any communication, it will not always turn out successfully. Situation will not improve if there is no communication. But I guess this is one way of running away from the problem and sometimes I know I am good at doing this, which is bad. Smile more. Yes, my facial expression shows it all. Especially when I am stress, angry or upset, it is written all over my face. And even when naturally, I am always perceived as a serious, scary person. I can't help it that my face is like that. But, I think I am quite friendly. I can make friends easily if I want to. I might not be the friendliest person you ever known but I do try to be friendly. I feel the main barrier for me not being friendly is the language. If I have known more languages, I think I would have made more friends. I usually will approach the friends I know if I see them. Like recently, a friend and her friend came over and stayed at my place for one night. I ended up talking more to her friend than my friend. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I think I can get along well with many people. And it happens because I smile and show my friendliness. Perhaps, closer friends see me pull my long face more often and hence, not smiling. But at least I am not faking it in front of you. 'Motherly' figure. This label has been with me since my college days. I had a lot of 'daughters' back then. Haha. I guess I can't help but to show my concerns for others. By showing concern, I mean nagging at times. I might not know how to cheer people up but I always try to take care of one's well-beings. I feel like my mother sometimes, always thinking of what is best for others. Always try to multitask and taking over the responsibilities. And it is not like I dont look after myself because I do. So when it is not appreciated, I guess that is when I will be upset. Oh my, what has gotten into me? I am still young. Happiness is on our own hands. I know that but I don't understand it. No one can control our own happiness except for yourself. Whether we are happy or not, it depends on how we handle it. So does that mean that we gotta be selfish at time to be happy? In order to be happy and not hurting oneself, we will begin to ignore people, doing just the happy things although it is not the right thing? By doing a certain thing that makes us happy, then by all means go ahead with it although it might hurt others?? I have no idea. This are a few things I gotta say. It is kinda hard to concentrate on other stuff when not having a peace of mind. Trying not to be so emo after this. Hehe

Messed up and screwed up

The title says it all....

When someone is crying...

Most of us will not know what to do if we see someone crying. We do not know what to say because we are afraid that it will just make things worst. So, most of us will just avoid the situation, trying not to notice and pretending that we did not realize. By that way, we do not need to face the person who is crying. It is mean but normal. I was in the library (as usual) when I saw one lady was crying. She was wiping off her tears but from my guess, she was still crying. We had eye contact. But I just turned away and continued walking. I acted like I did not see what was going on. And, I had to walk pass her again to get back to my table. This time I dare not look at her at all. I dont know. It was just an unconscious action and probably by not looking at her I am not obligated to help out. I felt bad afterwards. Maybe she needed help and I have the ability to help. It might make things better for her. But with my selfishness act, I just continued on with my work, feeling guilty just for a while. Not knowing what happen to her, I hope that she will be alright. But I reckon, I am not that daring to just simply approach a stranger and asking them what is wrong. Not everyone wants to talk about it. They might even get upset for being so noosy and might turn you away and ask you to mind your own business. It could be either way and it is up to us to choose the move. I might have acted differently if she was my friend but I will still be scare. I have been in the situations where people were crying in front of me. I will be nervous, not knowing how to console them and all I do best is just accompany them. And vice versa, I know it is hard for people to face me if I am crying. So, sometimes it is better to cry alone. p/s: instead of doing my honours proposal, this is how I spend my time in the library :P

Glutinous Rice Cake

Haha. I guess a way for me to destress is to bake new stuff and feed the people around me. Since this recipe looks kinda simple andthere was some glutinous rice in the house from who knows where, so I thought of giving it a try.

Got this recipe from another blog: http://chowtimes.com/recipes/dessert/

500g glutinous rice 1 can coconut milk (398ml) 3 screwpine leaves (pandan), knotted (ignored because is expensive to buy here) 1 teaspoon salt sufficient blue food colouring

Soak the glutinous rice for 6 hours and drain. Put the rice, coconut milk, salt and screwpine leaves in a tray and steam over high heat for 45 minutes or until cooked. Do fluff the rice once in a while so that the cooking is more even. Add a bit more of water if necessary. Also checked the steaming water and dont let it dries out, add more water if necessary. Add two drops of blue colouring to 1/3 of the cooked glutinous rice. Add more if you like the cake to be more blue. Mix well the colouring into the rice. Add the remaining rice and mix gently to obtain the mixed white and blue glutinous rice.Spoon the rice into the square pan. Press, level and cover with gladwrap. Place heavy objects on top and set aside until cold and firm. Remove, cut into pieces and serve with kaya.

I basically just cut and paste from the website only. Check it out for more details.

I am glad that friends like it. When I came back in the evening from the library, half of the tray was gone!! Hooray.

HERO

Mariah Carey: Hero

There's a hero

If you look inside your heart

You don't have to be afraid

Of what you are

There's an answer

If you reach into your soul

And the sorrow that you know

Will melt away

[Chorus:]And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

It's a long road

When you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold

You can find love

If you search within yourself

And the emptiness you felt

Will disappear

Lord knows

Dreams are hard to follow

But don't let anyone

Tear them away

Just hold on

There will be tomorrow

And in time

You'll find the way

-

I just like to listen to songs that are reflecting my current condition. This is one of them right now. I am slowly climbing back up and sorry to have made some of you worried. Everything looks better, things are falling back into place. A more manageable research proposal in progress. The things that wanted to be said has been said. A clearer mind. Although I still dont know a proper direction to head towards. It will be a process of searching, a process of figuring it out. I dont know how long it will take or I might not get to the end of it at all. Let it be a part of life.

p/s: wow, i sound so positive. hopefully it will last.

A note from me

Dear friends, Thanks for all the concerns. I know I can really count on you. You guys came forward immediately after reading my previous post. Calling me, smsing me or msging me. Hear me whine about all my work despite you being busy with your stuff as well. Although I still have to do it after but at least I felt much better. I wish I can just whine about it and it will go away by itself. But unfortunately this is not how the world works. Booo. I know that you will always be there for me but it is difficult when we are not together. Blaming it on the distance across the sea and states. Haha. I can really count on some to cheer me up and laugh again. So if I am all happy in front of you, that doesn't mean I am pretending to be happy and hiding all my worries. It just mean that I am enjoying myself at that moment, not letting the worries get to me. I know it all; things will get better, I will get through it, happiness is in my own hands, etc. All the things that you guys do or say will only make me feel better temporary and in the end is all up to me. I know, I get it but I am not in it yet. I am still searching for a direction. Hopefully the path will light up soon but until then I am sorry if I offend or ignore anyone. (Although I say sorry easily, it doesn't mean I don't mean it). I still don't know what to do or how to react at some instances. I may still be angry and trying not to expect much from others. Trying to accept and learn about this world. Is tough but lastly is still me to myself. And to those who do not know who to react, you can keep on pretending like nothing happen or whatever. I am mad but I am trying to be more understanding. Hopefully I am not giving you such a hard time. All in all, I am not 100% alright now. Expecting a lot of down moments still to happen. Just trying to live one day at a time. One step at a time.